Things Just Got a Whole Lot Deeper

An ex once told me that I expressed myself better in words than I ever could in talking.

In fact, his exact wording was: “I think you express yourself better over the computer than you do regularly.”

That was from 6 years ago… and, crazy as it seems, his words still ring completely true.

I had someone try to get me to open up about my feelings recently… Needless to say, it didn’t really work out well for them. This is because, if you’re name isn’t Leah, I just can’t do it. Jenn and my mom I can talk about some parts, with moderation, but Leah is the only person who I am comfortable around talking to.

I think I’m ok with the computer though, because it enables me to detach myself from what I’m writing… they’re just words on a screen.

The feelings I was asked to talk about pertained to relationships. It was about specifics, but I am still stuck on the general.

Since I started college 4 years ago, I let 2 guys into my life. That’s it. Two. Both seemed like an amazing fit… and both ended horribly. The first was more damaging of the two (granted, when the same excuse is used the second time around, it doesn’t faze you as much), but the second still has a terrible sting to it. That could be because it’s still less that 2 months fresh, but still.

Leah dealt with the aftermath of both of them… my complete devestation of Steve breaking up with me the day after my grandmother died (with the year anniversary of said event being a few short weeks away), and my laughing within five minutes after Jason showed up at my house the day I came home from Florida last month.

3 weeks ago, I went to a Phillies game with someone who’s in love with me (and whom everyone in my life keeps telling me to just give up and go out with already). It was fine when it was like us just hanging out normally… but when my mind would stray to how everyone think’s we belong together, my insides would freeze and I would get this feeling in my stomach. Not butterflies, the other one.

I thought that maybe it was just because it was Dan that I reacted that way… like a “no, not right” type of reaction. But, I’ve talked to a few guys since then (that really sounds much worse than it is), and my reaction being alone with them was the exact same. In truth, the only person I’m completely comfortable around right now is Eric – well, and Dan when I’m just thinking of him as me, Dan, and Eric.

Jenn says I should just go with the flow of everything, and that life will just work itself out… but that feeling inside has me slightly worried. What if it never goes away, and I can never trust a person again? Or be close to them? Or comfortable?

Regardless of everything in my past with relationships, I’m still holding onto that dream of a prince charming sweeping me into a future. Preferably, he’ll come around somewhere about 3 years from now (I always said that I would refuse to get married, etc before I was 25 because I felt that to be absurd), and he will agree to my demands of Disney (I will tell him no otherwise… actually, I will bend the 25 limit for Disney, because of their good $1991 wedding special right now. hmm, eloping in Disney….).

But, for right now, no I don’t know where I stand on anything, or what my feelings actually are. Because, besides this whole scared-when-a-guy-gets-too-close-to-me complex I’ve got going on, I can’t really tell you much else.

*Note: you will probably rarely ever read anything like this from me, because it is indeed much more on a personal level, and I am usually not that comfortable with it. But, seeing as this has been stewing in my mind for a minimum of 3 weeks now, I kinda blog-exploded.*


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